Micaih Thomas

I spent this summer finding myself. I spent a lot of time in traffic. Looking at the cars clustering together while coming to a halt. Looking at how they imitated my life and human mortality. Looking at the blue and red lights blinking and ready to burst.

I learned to spend some nights by myself while thinking and trying to find peace with my own presence. Realizing that certain people I love right now, may not remain in the future. Trying to stabilize myself. Trying to make the walls of my mind stop spinning.

Involuntarily, I would find myself in moments where I would feel stuck in a moment, trapped in my own world. Reminds me of those moments in traffic. Looking at the cars congregating in long lines, stretching across the freeway.

Sometimes, I am left with that empty feeling. That void and self-awareness that gnaws at our skin, chafing away the inside of our stomachs. Sometimes, God leaves us with nothing but ourselves, our thoughts bouncing around in our heads, taking us hostage. And we must learn to be okay with that.  

Some nights, I lounged with the warmth of my friends around me. Our feet sprawled on the dashboard, and music billowing out of the window like smoke. Talks about our problems, friends and life in general envelope our conversation. We found a way out, a way out of Mansfield, Texas, out of our small and trivial lives.

We would talk about how we felt trapped in the suburbs. Identical houses lining up together, children riding their bikes along the pavement, everything so conventional, yet comforting. It’s so easy to want conformity. But there comes a time when we’ll have to leave everything we know. I think that just means I’m afraid of things coming to an end.

I spent this summer fighting my fears. I spent time jumping out of familiarity and embracing life for what it is. In a blink of an eye, love, life, emotions, millions of bundles of DNA can just slip away. And I’ve learned to be okay with that.