One of the many things I pride myself in is my need for glasses. I spent hours in a dark room staring at a bright computer screen, seldom blinking, to earn these Kenneth-Cole tokens of nerd-dom. It saddens me to see people trying to fake their way into the Spectacles Collective. If you want to be able to sport some specs, do it the right way. If I were you, I’d even take it to next level: the eye patch. Nothing says, “I’m a hip-hop hipster that knows what goes,” like a robust eye patch. You could probably even convince people that you’re a member of the Secret Ninja-Pirate Order.

Speaking of the Secret Ninja-Pirate Order, with its exclusiveness of one member, I have been elected to go on a super not-so-secret Ninja-Pirate mission. The Council—which is made up of the Order’s one-and-only anonymous member—chose me to cycle through the original 151 Pokémon, by wearing a new one each day on my ID badge. The first 12 weeks of my mission should go without any problems, but day 65 poses a serious threat. I applaud those (none) of you who immediately recognized the number 65 as Alakazam.

Sadly, when I was a naïve Pokémon novice, I traded my holographic Alakazam (1/102 Basic Set, the card I now yearn) for an Electrode, a Golem, and a Fearow. What was I thinking!? I don’t know… But I do know that the kid five years older than me, who ripped me off, was thinking something along the lines of “Man, I sure got a great deal.”

So, unless I want to settle with a lame, newer version of Alakazam (I don’t), I’ll have to somehow come up with one in four weeks. If you have one for trade or that you could loan me in about a month, post a comment, please. The fate of the Order’s hands lies in my hands, and I don’t want to make them dirty.