Girls have such high expectations for guys on Valentine’s Day. They don’t understand that what they expect of us will forever be unachievable.

[see the girls’ perspective here]

The first unachievable expectation; asking the girl out in a creative way. Guys are simple and like to keep things simple. If you look up simple in the dictionary it reads as so:

1) n. any man in existence
2) adj. describing any man in existence
3) adv. any word that describes a verb that describes the simplicity of any man in existence

It’s so bad, a version of the word simple is actually in the definition. Girls, you make things complicated and have to have giant ceremonies of humiliation for a guy to ask you out on Valentine’s Day.

The second expectation; getting gifts. There are two terrible things about getting gifts and they are both phrases. One of them the guys say, and the other one the girls say. Let’s start with the guy’s.

“What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”

Girls, we know it’s a dumb thing to ask, but bear with us on it. We ask this question because you never tell us what you want. Any time we use this phrase, it’s always slightly degrading too. We hate having to resort to the most cliché of phrases because we all know you want more, but, you get what you get. And that, you should be happy for. Now girls, the phrase you say is ten times worse than what we say.

“I don’t want anything.”

Stop lying. We know you want us to buy you something the size and shape of something that resembles a car, a very nice car in fact, and then fill the trunk with a year’s supply of everything. The worst part is how many variations of the phrase you actually have.

“You don’t have to get me anything.”
“I don’t want you to buy me anything.”
“Please, don’t get me anything.”
“I don’t need anything.”

Sometimes you even have the nerve to say:

“I don’t want to go anywhere.”
“I don’t want much.”
“We don’t have to do anything.”

We all know what you want to do and get. You want that perfect date, but that just is way too much to ask for. What do you think we are made of, money? The answer is no. Every single one of those phrases really mean:

“YOU BETTER GET ME SOMETHING.”

Nice try.

The last expectation; a fancy evening. So Taco Bell and a movie on Netflix isn’t good enough? To us that sounds perfect. If you thought like we did, do you know how much easier that would make things? We have to take you to a movie, a romantic movie at that, not one of those violent shoot-em-ups. That’s a lot to ask for and you’re lucky we like you enough to do so. Lucky that we would pay $18 dollars for two tickets to a movie and then pay $10 on concessions so you can eat and drink. But before all that, we have to take you to dinner. Instead of the Taco Bell 99 cent menu, its a $15 plate of spaghetti at Olive Garden that you only eat half of. We try to get the least expensive thing on the menu, which there is like $12.

Our preferred sub-total: $11
Your desired sub-total: $55

Girls, you really don’t know how lucky you actually are.

Even though you may drive us crazy all the time and expect us to buy you outlandishly expensive things and be perfectly presentable, we obviously care enough to do the things you want. That’s why, ladies, Valentine’s Day makes us so pitifully awesome.