For most high school students, the struggle to acquire a cellular phone as a child was very real. Fifth grade was around the time that most children were considered “of age” to own a phone, and even then phones looked like rectangular prisms weighing close to 450 pounds.

Evidently things have changed because five year olds with high-tech technology can be found in various households, grocery stores and coffee shops around the country. For example, children watching movies on their iPhones via high-class studio headphones is not uncommon. Although the only thing they use the headphones for is to chew on the cord (because they’re teething of course), which is rather uncomfortable to watch in a public place, because they just sit there drooling and gnawing on a $250 cord. Like come on, buy the kid a teething ring or a dog bone or something.

Although, the use of technology in children is understandable because we all know that texting is essential to a five year old. Especially because they don’t have friends to text and can’t spell anyway.

There has also been a dramatic increase in the way that children can utilize technology and all of its features. Take the toy Furby for example, the awkward mystery animal that spends its entire lifetime hobbling around and blinking its freakishly large eyes. They now hook up to iPads through the app, creatively named, Furby. These strange creatures can be fed, dressed up, played with and even talked to (in Furby language of course). There is even a section on the app that helps to decode and translate their native tongue — which I might add, sounds like a combination of a washing machine, an owl and a baby.

Current High School Student #1: Remember technology when we were little?

Current High School Student #2: Omg yeah bro, it was like totally unportable.

Current High School Student #1: I’m sayin’.

Current High School Student #2: These spoiled five year olds are like so spoiled. I can’t even afford the stuff they have.

Current High School Student #1: I feel ya man, and I’m even working double shifts at McDonalds.

Current High School Student #2: The struggle.

Now, the games are portable and microscopic (easily consumed by hungry malnutritioned children) with consoles that aren’t much larger than a textbook or a small pillow.

Technology just isn’t really a good idea for children. In fact, I find it kind of a sketchy combination. So parents, save the technology for when they get a little older. Like, seriously, we’re begging you.