[DISCLAIMER: This list is 100% satire (and poorly done at that). TheRiderOnline does not endorse or support any of the following people to run for President. It’s a joke.]
Following the events of the 2016 election, where “outsider” Donald Trump won despite never having held public office, many “celebrities” and business tycoons alike have considered throwing their hat in the ring for 2020. Some range from almost reasonable to completely hilarious. Here’s a semi-serious list of who America could be casting their ballot for in two years.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
The Rock’s said many comments about running for office, and when you’ve been voted as the sexiest man alive and you’re known for being one of the nicest people in Hollywood, why wouldn’t you? Besides, he’s already shown some great presidential potential. Fun fact: He’d be the SECOND person to be featured on WWE and also be the United States President. What a great country we live in.
Potential VP: Tom Hanks
Odds of running: It’s too early to tell, but we’ll say 17%, since that’s the number of WWE Championships he’s won.
Kanye West
Rapper/Producer/Designer Kanye West has long discussed a presidential run in 2020 since his legendary 2015 VMAs speech. Since rubbing elbows with President Trump and openly speaking positive about him (before checking himself into a mental hospital), he said last February that his stances on the president have changed. Could this spur the 21-time Grammy winner to run against his former ally?
Potential VP: Jay-Z
Odds of running: Probably zero percent if we’re being honest, but it’s pretty funny to imagine Kanye West running the country.
Waka Flocka Flame
Hear us out: He may only be 31, but the Atlanta rapper expressed a lot of interest running in the 2016 election. With a platform based around the legalization and decriminalization of marijuana, banning anyone who wears a size 13+ shoe from walking in public and stopping dogs from being inside restaurants, Flocka might be the only celeb who’s given the people legitimate solutions to the country’s problems. America deserves a president who goes Hard in Da Paint.
Potential VP: Ric Flair
Odds of running: 80%, which is the same rating Pitchfork.com gave his 2010 mixtape Flockaveli.
Mark Cuban
When he’s not busy being a billionaire tech tycoon, appearing on Shark Tank or running the Dallas Mavericks, he’s mulling about possibly challenging Trump and making a run at the presidency. Does Mark have what it takes to run the country? Well, if it’s anything like his basketball team owning skills, he’ll have a hard time picking up good free agents to work with him.
Potential VP: Dirk Nowitzki
Odds of running: Cuban himself said it’s pretty small, but he isn’t giving up on it completely.
Oprah Winfrey
The legendary TV personality, actor and philanthropist’s name has had her name thrown in the presidential conversation (mainly by people who want her to run and not by herself), and this talked peaked with her speech at the 2018 Golden Globes. Does Oprah have what it takes to run the country? Are you willing to get mad at Oprah for having to deal with immigration and foreign policy? Does she even want to run the country? Who knows.
Potential VP: Ellen DeGeneres
Odds of running: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Donald Trump
I mean, duh.
Potential VP: Mike Pence
Odds of running: 100% (probably)
Mark Zuckerberg
As if Facebook wasn’t powerful enough, billionaire founder Mark Zuckerberg has alluded multiple times to running in 2020. Using his tech knowledge, Zuckerberg wants to implement a universal basic income to combat the threat of automation causing a rise in unemployment. Many people have rejected the tycoon’s legitimacy because of the many privacy issues Facebook has seen over the years. Time will tell if Zuckerberg wants to pursue the presidency.
Potential VP: Jesse Eisenberg dressed as young Mark Zuckerberg
Odds of running: Scarily high.
Dexter (From Dexter’s Laboratory, not the show about the serial killer)
With a 80% approval rating already, it seems like the childhood genius of our childhood may be preparing a run at the oval office. Dexter’s Laboratory first aired in 1996, and Dexter was 8, making him 32 at the time of the 2020 elections. The minimum age for the presidency is 35, but I’m sure he could come up with some kind of age ray or something. I can’t wait to see what he does with the big underground bunker beneath the East Wing.
Potential VP: Courage the Cowardly Dog
Odds of running: I don’t know, ask his mom.
That one dinosaur in Jurassic Park who ate all the people
Potential VP: The other one that spit the poison on the fat guy’s face
Odds of running: Candidates in mirror are closer than they appear.
Nick Saban
Isn’t it time we had a leader we could really get behind? With five college football championship rings in the last ten years, what we really need in the white house is a winner of Crimson Tide standards. The legendary coach could have any job in the game he could possibly want, so why no coach the freaking country? Oh, and Nick, quick tip: don’t campaign in Georgia.
Potential VP: Tua Tagovailoa
Odds of running: Nah, he’ll pass.
Leland Mallett
I don’t know about this one. He’d probably put a little bell next to the big red button and accidentally send us into WWIII.
Potential VP: Anna Roberts
Odds of running: It depends on how the journalism numbers are looking next year (Contact Mallett at [email protected] if you want to join journalism and prevent the end of the world.)
Harambe
The most experienced politician on our list comes in the form of a dead gorilla. With 11,000 votes in the 2016 election, Harambe has a head start on the political competition. This has been a century of firsts, president-wise, and he would certainly fit into that mold: first animal president, first posthumously elected president, second president to be voted in based solely on memes…
Potential VP: Cecil the Lion
Odds of running: Does he really have to run? He’ll get the votes no matter what.
Bo Jackson (Football)
He’s played football. He’s played baseball. He’s been on an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. If you think he can’t run the country, then you don’t know Bo.
Potential VP: Bo Jackson (Baseball)
Odds of running: Fast.
Lavar Ball
Is America ready for the first Big Baller President? The patriarch of the Ball family made huge moves since 2017. Countless appearances on ESPN, starting his own basketball league to dodge the NCAA’s terrible rules, releasing $1000 sneakers, making his son the youngest American pro basketball player at only 16, there’s nothing Lavar can’t do.
Potential VP: Not necessary
Odds of running: The same odds that he’d have playing a 1-on-1 game with Michael Jordan.
Shaq
Four-time NBA Champion, 15-time all star, three-time NBA Finals MVP, 28,596 total career points scored, platinum recording artist, NBA Hall-of-famer, movie star, TV commentator, reserve police officer. These are just a few things to describe the career of Big Aristotle himself: Shaquille O’Neal. Could we add president to the end of that list?
Potential VP: Charles Barkley
Odds of running: Not a lot, right now he’s trying to become sheriff of Atlanta.
Spencer from iCarly
With extensive experience providing for a bunch of whiney kids and being made fun of on the internet, Spencer is basically the president already. Now let’s just up the number of winey kids to 323.1 million, and take the internet shots to maximum level, and you get all you’ve ever needed in a president.
Potential VP: “Crazy” Steve from Drake and Josh
Odds of running: 100%
