The following story ran first on The Politician, the political newspaper of The Rider Online. Check The Politician often for updates on the upcoming 2016 presidential election as well as other political news.
(DISCLAIMER: I am not a political expert, so please do not take any of this seriously. My satirical observations do not reflect the views or opinions of anyone in The Politician or The Rider Online besides my own)
In many ways, Donald Trump and I are very similar. We both consider ourselves political “outsiders,” we both enjoy football and our hair gets messed up when it’s windy outside. Other than that, we’re actually not that similar. For one, my net worth isn’t $4.5 billion, I’m not old enough to run for president (or vote for that matter) and I’m not in the WWE Hall of Fame. Out of an extreme case of curiosity, I decided to put on my “Make America Great Again” hat I bought from eBay, turn my mind off for two hours and take part in an insane circus of fear and enjoyment known Donald Trump’s Fort Worth press conference/rally/concert/event. Here are my findings:
DONALD TRUMP IS THE GREATEST STAND-UP COMEDIAN OF OUR TIME
After the February 26 debate, we all were witness to what will likely be known as the start to one of the greatest battles in politics history. Aaron Burr and Alexander Hamilton? Child’s play. Nixon vs. Kennedy? Nope. Donald Trump and Marco Rubio is what will truly stand the test of time. At the rally, Trump referred to Rubio as “a lightweight senator from Florida who’s losing big in the polls,” and “a nervous basketcase.” Donald then goes on to tell this long-winded story about how backstage in New Hampshire, Rubio was “putting makeup on with a trowel” and that “he was so scared like a little, frightened puppy.” Now listen, I don’t know what type of guy Marco Rubio is. I mean he looks like a nice guy and he’s only 44 years old. I like trash talk though and Trump now has me convinced that Rubio is a child who should never be close to a podium. Well played…
DONALD TRUMP IS SO DISORGANIZED IT HURTS ME
This is an experiment I have conducted in which I record, with a stopwatch, every time Donald Trump gets distracted when telling a story where he interacts with Marco Rubio in New Hampshire. This is what happened: Trump begins to talk about Marco Rubio around 17 minutes in his speech. It takes him 12 seconds to get distracted and talk about winning at New Hampshire and South Carolina, including how he won over the hispanics. This lasts for another ten or so seconds. He then talks about how he’ll bring “a lot of jobs back to this country.” Okay great, he finally gets on track, he’s back to his Rubio story, which he stays on for a whopping 47 seconds. He takes a 14 second break to talk about Chris Christie I think and another 25 second break to talk about how he is always in the middle podium in debates. Cool, he’s back to attacking Rubio for another 66 seconds, a personal record that wouldn’t be broken in this anecdote. He gets to talking about a scenario in which George Patton and Douglas MacArthur team up to fight ISIS which lasts for 32 seconds. He finally nails one more joke on Rubio for another 15 seconds. After this, I give up on my stopwatch experiment.
DONALD TRUMP IS THE “PERFECT” CANDIDATE FOR ME
WAIT LET ME CLARIFY WHAT I MEAN BY THIS STATEMENT. Donald Trump, as much as Twitter would like you to think otherwise, is not stupid. He knows that by using as few large words as possible, he will be able to hold the attention of the American public. For politician standards, it’s frowned upon, but by campaign standards, this is great. I don’t know or care about what a PAC is or how Obamacare is going to affect individual mandates or state funding. I need a candidate who will keep my attention span and tell me what I want to hear, which is that he’s going to make America the best at all costs. I severely doubt he can deliver on all, or even half, of these promises if he’s elected, but he’s saying all the right things that voters want to hear.
As I judged everyone around me, I realized: “Even if I was attending ironically, am I any better than anyone else here?” The answer is absolutely not.
— Grant Baker
PEOPLE AT DONALD TRUMP EVENTS LOOK EXACTLY HOW YOU IMAGINE
Now I’m not sure if it’s like this for every candidate, or even every state, that has an event like this, but there were many types of people I encountered on my journey. Many people in their late 50s-early 60s, war veterans, college kids, bikers, homeless people, they were all at this event. As I donned my “Make America Great Again” hat, my red flannel and my dirty red Converse and speaking tongue-in-cheek about Trump to those around me, I began to question my own morals. As I judged everyone around me, I realized: “Even if I was attending ironically, am I any better than anyone else here?” The answer is absolutely not.
DONALD TRUMP HAS A GREAT TASTE IN MUSIC
When I walked into Fort Worth Convention Center, my ears were immediately filled with the sounds of 70s and 80s rock. As thousands of people all stood in an auditorium to see Trump and as I attempted to work my way towards the front row in the least awkward way possible, I began to notice how similar this event was to something like a rock concert. While I’m about 90% sure I heard the instrumental to “Holding Out For A Hero” by Bonnie Tyler, I know that I definitely heard the Rolling Stones’ 1969 classic “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” as the event ended. Ironic… Regardless, if I had to vote on a nominee purely on their music taste, Donald Trump will win, hands down. Sorry Ben Carson.
PLEASE VOTE
Seriously, if you’re over 18 years old, please vote this November. This is the most serious I will be this entire article, because it needs to be said. If you don’t care about Donald Trump, vote for someone else. At the end of the day, you are the person who makes a difference in how you vote during the election because it shows what you care about and how the country needs to change in order to make it a better place. America needs you. I need you.
A protester holds up a sign reading “Make America Hate Again” outside the Donald Trump rally in Fort Worth.
GO OUT TO A RALLY BECAUSE THEY’RE REALLY FUN
Going to Donald Trump’s rally was an eye-opening experience in many ways. It made me understand the parallels between politics and reality television. I saw new types of people that I didn’t know existed and I learned a little bit about myself in the process. I will definitely will be attending more political events and I suggest you do the same even if you don’t care about politics. I don’t and it was still great.
