Photo by Reese Mallett

I spent $10 on a necklace. A silver necklace with a silver cross, heart and pearl attached to a grainy, thick chain. I got it because I thought it looked cute on the website. I wear this necklace every day. This necklace saves me.  

*******

I sit on the cold, dirty floor of a Freebirds bathroom. My knees are tucked to my chest and my hand is desperately reaching for my necklace. My eyes fill with tears. My breathing…rapid… uncontrolled. I feel heavy. 

*******

I hunch over staring at the gravel ground beneath my feet. It’s breezy outside yet I’m sweating profusely. My breathing is fleeting and my head is spinning. I feel dizzy. I reach for my necklace. “Just focus on the points on the cross.” 

“The pearl feels so smooth compared to the chain”.

Thoughts that bring me back to reality. Thoughts that keep me centered. 

“Breathe.”

“Breathe.”

“Just breathe.”

Words that echo in my head any time I get that feeling again. Heavy chest, staggered breath, blurred vision. The feeling that reiterates an illness I avoid.

*******

I’ve spent many occasions toppled over a toilet hoping something would come up to rid the nausea. Occasions gripping my hair, hoping to induce pain outside of what I’m feeling inside.

Scratching my hand to the point where it’s bleeding and causing a rash, just to distract myself from what’s going on in my head. I do this to avoid honestly answering a question I asked myself too often. “What is wrong with you?” I knew it. Deep down, buried away, I knew it. Anxiety controlled my life. My decisions, my thoughts, my day-to-day routine. I am completely powerless. 

I started going to therapy after many conversations with my parents about how I felt. It’s a weird concept to me. As someone who never opens up about personal problems, sitting down and talking to one person in a cold, small room was less than appealing. I spend every session looking around at the colorful posters on her wall and fiddling with my necklace. And I talk. I talk about my thoughts and feelings from the past week. I honestly can’t tell if it’s helping me. But maybe in the long run, I’ll benefit from it. Who knows?

All I know is that I’m exhausted.

I’m tired of skipping meals, losing sleep, stepping out of class to look for fresh air I know I can never find. 

I’m just tired. 

But I try.

I continue to try because I know I can be stronger than my thoughts. I can’t let anxiety control my life. I’m still working on ways to control anxiety itself, but I know I’ll get there. Already I’ve learned methods of centering myself, focusing on what’s real versus what’s just in my head. 

The pointy cross and smooth pearl on my necklace are real. They remind me that I’m present in the moment. My $10 necklace saves me. I never know how the day will look. I never know what may come up or how anxiety will decide to control me. 

So every morning, just in case, I put on my necklace.