I’ve been involved with the church for the majority of my life. I was baptized as an infant under the Methodist church, where I went nearly every Sunday with my family. We frequented the church until its population became overwhelming, then we decided to change churches. Eventually we found a church we enjoyed, which is where I began to flourish as a person. I discovered myself there.

The size of the congregation allowed me to develop a relationship with most of its members. I found a church family, a group of peers that would support me in my troubles with life. The youth group provided my friends and me with advice that would aid us in presenting ourselves in the world, as well as discovering and developing who we were without the use of chastisement or judgment from the church.

However, I never felt as spiritual as my peers. When we began discussions about God, I thought of him as a character of a book or a movie, someone whom I no longer considered in my life, but apart from it. Despite my struggle, I still stayed true to Christianity, following its framework for how my life ought to be and attempting to develop myself spiritually even though I knew my beliefs, or lack thereof, differed from those of my peers. I loved them, but, more than that, I envied their faith and dedication. Whenever I questioned my belief, I would justify it by using the Christian population as proof that he must exist. Eventually though, I found myself no longer worshiping or praying to a god I didn’t believe in, even though I envied those who did.

I realized that I no longer considered myself a Christian during a conversation with a friend of mine. After keeping my religious thoughts to myself for so long, I found it relieving to realize that many people struggle with a lack of belief just as I had. Through conversations with them, I finally felt comfortable to no longer label myself as a Christian, but instead as an Agnostic, a title I am not yet enjoying, but it does summarize how I feel toward religion.

I define my beliefs as Agnostic, not believing in a god, or higher entity, nor denying the existence of one. This should not to be confused with atheism, which is the disbelief or denial of a god. I do not deny the existence of a god, I’m just uncertain because I lack faith in something I cannot see, hear or feel. I did not choose to become this way, but my thoughts have grown over time and become most similar to agnosticism.

My lack of religion has affected my life significantly. To clarify, I mean not to offend anyone and their beliefs. I actually commend believers on their faith and often find myself envious of them. I find that religion has provided people’s otherwise dull lives with purpose. This framework for life based upon an idea of a refuge at its end is an incredibly powerful and beautiful philosophy, and I find myself envying it quite often. When a religious person has a problem with their life, they can often link it to God’s plan for them and move on with the problem with their head held high. That is the motivation I am jealous of.

Fortunately for me, my morals hardly wavered when I ceased in following the church. Many of my ideals are still intact, but instead of the Bible to show what I ought to do and ought not do, I look at each of my actions to see whether it will make me happy now, if I shall regret it in the future and if the action will hinder someone’s happiness. If an action violates any of these, I consider it a sin and do my very best to stay away from it.

My lack of spirituality is not a choice I made nor is it something I enjoy. I very much wish I could believe in a god to provide me with more meaning in my life, a network of fellowship, a refuge for my sad thoughts and an eternity to spend my after-life in. Unfortunately, it is not as simple as wanting to believe. Belief requires much more time and experience, some of which I hope I will gain soon.