Everyone seems to be up in arms about the new food policy (launched into action after concern about roaches). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not overjoyed either because I consume about as much as your average household vacuum cleaner. However, I don’t understand why we can’t live in harmony with the roaches. There’s plenty of people in this school I feel should be exterminated, but, you know, that’s illegal and life goes on.

According to administration, we aren’t allowed to eat in places other than the cafeteria because feeding the roaches doesn’t qualify as socially acceptable. In my opinion, denying the roaches of their holiday feast won’t make them pack up camp and head for Town Park. Realistically, they’re just going to get angry. Now, we’re just picking a fight we won’t win — you’re talking about the only species that you can’t detonate with nuclear bombs. Just let that sink in. *Insert roaches laughing diabolically here*

Part of me feels bad for the little critters, and I extend to them my sympathy. It must be hard to fight for food and your rights (not to be exterminated) day in and day out, not that they live much longer than a few days, but still. I mean, can you imagine what the roaches think of this? Somewhere out there, I bet there’s an angry mob of roaches, which is basically the equivalent to a pack of starving koala bears, ready to storm the school and carry away everyone who is for the ‘Starve Out the Roaches’ campaign (otherwise known as the no food policy). If the roaches could civilly express their fiery anger towards us, I can imagine it would sound something like this: (try to visualize the vast angry roach mob with little petition signs and mini torches)

Roaches: Feed us.

Food Policy Activist #1: No, because you’ll stay here if I feed you.

Roaches: So, you are aware that we are starving?

Food Policy Activist #1: Yes, but I am still not going to feed you.

Food Policy Activist #2: Nice try though, will you leave now?

Roaches: No. But if that’s all you have to say, can you turn off the lights on your way out? We prefer to eat in the dark.

Food Policy Activist #2: Sure.

As for Thursdays, when Chick-fil-A is sold in the cafeteria, the roaches take the day off from being hungry to take a nap. And I guess they’re allergic to cookies and popcorn, which means that it’s okay to eat those too. So, yeah.