Dress code seems to be unpopular among the student body, but I, for one, agree with the student handbook that it acts as an extremely beneficial system that minimizes safety hazards. I am incredibly grateful for the dress code because without it, I would most likely be dead right now. I could have strangled myself with my halter top or cut off my circulation with a too-tight baseball cap or god-forbid my wheeled shoes cause me to roll into a gum infested wall.

The dress code also plays a major role in reducing distractions around campus. When I see a girl in jeggings or a guy without hemmed shorts, I cannot focus. No matter how hard I try I just cannot keep my attention on what the teacher is saying.

Imagine trying your hardest to comprehend a teacher’s lesson, but all that you are able to hear is Charlie Brown adult-like gibberish because the jeggings and/or frayed cut offs have created an aura that is only penetrable by a day in AC by said student.

That quarter-sized hole in those girl’s jeans? Pale white skin stealing every ounce of my attention, like a moth attracted to bright white lights. If she doesn’t cover it up ASAP she will definitely be attacked by all sorts of bugs. The dress code means no harm, it was put in place to protect you from any accident *cough* lawsuit *cough* that may possibly occur while on school grounds.

That blonde girl over there with the red bandana in her hair? She participates in gang-related activities. How do I know? Well, everyone knows that anyone who wears a bandana automatically takes part in a Crips-like act that creates a hazardous environment for all students. By eliminating bandanas, gangs are also eliminated. Self-explanatory, really.

In fact, I have a few suggestions for the 2014-2015 Dress Code. To prevent hypothermia, which could be totally probable in the next to freezing classrooms that us students are sympathetically forced to learn in, turtlenecks are essential. No exposing of the neck or upper-chest. It just makes sense. Also, mom jeans should be the only pants allowed on school grounds. Jeans fit too well and are no better than leggings or yoga-style clothing.

Actually, now that I think about it, the dress code should just be centered around the ways of the Amish. Simplicity. No distractions. Absolute safety. Boys, stock up on neatly pleated slacks and suspenders. Ladies, gather up your money and buy yourself some nice floor length skirts. An Amish Bible salesman inspired wardrobe seems like the way to go.