Photo by Photo by Megan Bell

I’m a senior in high school and haven’t had my first kiss. I’m a senior in high school and haven’t had my first boyfriend. I’m a senior in high school and haven’t had my first date.

I’m a senior in high school, and I’m proud to wait for the right person.

Back in middle school I remember thinking I had to get a boyfriend like everyone else, so I waltzed into high school thinking, “everything would be different.” I just wanted to feel special – but doesn’t everybody?

Freshman year I met a boy, and I thought my dream of finally getting a boyfriend would come true. All the signs were there: the late night texts, the inside jokes, and the feelings were getting stronger – my hopes escalating higher and higher and higher.

And I fell for it all– the looks, the laughs, the affirmation, and most importantly, the lies. It’s a cliché, I know. I was naïve enough to believe everything he said, but in the end, I don’t completely blame myself. For the first time, I finally felt special by a boy. I finally felt like I mattered. I finally got those feelings everyone felt. I was finally able to “fit in.”

After everything, I found out he lied to me about several things – heck, he even had a few girls on the side that were just like me. Afterward, I felt incredibly stupid. I was upset and angry with myself. I dissociated myself for about a month from all my friends, so you could say I took it pretty harshly. I put my entire value in some stupid guy’s hands, and he determined how I felt about myself for three solid years. It wasn’t right.

But now I’m ready to face it.

What he did to me was incredibly dumb, but it upsets me even more that he does this to other girls to this very day — I’ve seen it for myself. He gets their hopes up, he pushes them past their boundaries and he makes them feel special enough just so he can leave the girl feeling worthless and confused.  

He says he’s changed, but I know he hasn’t. It breaks my heart to know I’m not alone in this fight. It’s as if people forget we have emotions or feelings that can get hurt or a heart that can be damaged.

Three years.

It has taken me three years to finally come to terms with this, and honestly, I’m still working on being okay. I wasn’t in love. I wasn’t even in like. But I was desperate for attention, so maybe he was too. The whole situation made me reevaluate my standards. It made me wonder what kind of people I was able to accept into my daily life. In a way, I’m grateful for what happened because I’ve realized my worth is not in the hands of the guy I like or the friends I have but in God’s. Everything happens for a reason.

I’m the one that matters. I’m the one to determine if I’m ready for a relationship or not. No one else.

Honestly, I absolutely detest that society puts this pressure on teenagers or even young adults to find love and “that person” to cherish. You know what? Maybe you’re not ready or maybe it’s not your time yet for a relationship. For goodness sakes, we’re just starting our lives as independent people.

After asking close friends about their first kisses and relationships, I found out most were a negative experience which helped me make a connection – I didn’t want that kind of response, but I want something to be proud of. I don’t want regret.

Bottom line, don’t lower your standards to fit in, don’t fall into the patterns of society unless you’re ready and most definitely, do not let someone you like determine your worth. Please, please, please do not be afraid to be different. Being 17 and inexperienced isn’t the worse thing in the world. Focus on your grades and extracurriculars. Don’t worry about not having your first kiss or relationship in high school – most are meaningless anyway.

At the end of the day, you’re in charge, so don’t sweat the small stuff in life.