Photo by Photo by Megan Bell

UPDATE: I was right

The Dallas Cowboys have made it to the playoffs exactly five times since I’ve been born. It was only five years since Dallas had won their last Super Bowl, but now, 21 years have passed. Since I’ve been alive, in 2010 and 2011, I watched my favorite baseball team, the Texas Rangers, lose the World Series in different heartbreaking fashions both times.

Needless to say, I have my reservations about the Cowboys recent success. A host of analysts now favor us to make a deep playoff run, which basically means one thing: ruin my life.

I don’t consider myself as a very pessimistic person, but in sports, let’s just say I expect the worst.

In more of a precautionary move, I’ve decided to list the ways the Dallas Cowboys could disappoint me in the playoffs:

1. LOSING IN THE DIVISIONAL ROUND
Luckily for Dallas, they won’t have to play in the first round, known as the wildcard round, of the playoffs. Unlike the team we’re playing, we’ll have a whole week off, which, in theory, should be great. On the other hand, the Cowboys could lose all their momentum, something I believe that strongly plays a factor in sports. Who will we be playing in the divisional round? Well…

2. REVENGE
The Cowboys will be faced with playing against either the Green Bay Packers or the New York Giants.

Here’s why we’re screwed either way.

The last time the Cowboys were in the playoffs was 2014-15 season where they lost to the Green Bay Packers in extremely controversial fashion. Of Dallas’ three losses this season, two came from both times we played the New York Giants. It’s debatable to consider the week 17 loss against Philadelphia a defeat since most starting players were benched in order to stay rested and healthy.

“Now, Grant,” I hear you scream. “Didn’t the Cowboys beat Green Bay this year in a pretty convincing and uncontroversial fashion?” Well, that was before the NFL’s sleeping giant had finally awoken:

• AARON RODGERS RUNNING THE TABLE
  Aaron Charles Rodgers will go down as one of the best quarterbacks of this century, and he’s shown that during the second half of the season. In week 12 after a four game losing streak, Rodgers had promised to transform a stagnant team into a Packers team that would “run the table” and make it to the playoffs. Sure enough, Green Bay went on to beat every team in their way. Aaron Rodgers will attempt to bring another title to Titletown, and Dallas will be one team in their way.

3. THE SUN
Helios. Soleil. The Sun. It’s been around for a real long time, and it’ll be around for a real long time, at least, until it melts us. In the National Football League, 31 stadiums face north and south, so the sun wouldn’t get in the players’ eyes. “GRANT,” you shriek at your screen. “THERE’S 32 TEAMS IN THE NFL.” Well, first off, please stop screaming at me, I can’t hear you. Second off, AT&T Stadium was built from the east to the west, meaning the sun will be shining right through the glass doors when it sets. The best example of this would be Dallas’ week one loss against the New York Giants. So, if the Cowboys have to play in the afternoon slot of the playoff schedule, the sun could play a major factor in being able to SEE THE BALL.

4. WE LOSE IN THE SUPER BOWL
I don’t want to even think about watching the Cowboys in the Super Bowl. It makes my stomach turn, and I’m going to cry if I keep thinking about it.

What are the best championships in sports? The correct answer is the Super Bowl and the World Cup final. The reason is because they’re both only one game. You don’t have to watch the World Series and the NBA Finals until at least game four because there’s nothing on the line.

This will kill me because I won’t be able to take the stress of the “win or go home” scenario, and the Cowboys won’t be able to either.

I’m not necessarily saying any of these things will happen. But I have to warn you about these problems, so you won’t be as distressed as I am with this team.