[WARNING: SPOILERS FOR LAST MONDAY’S EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR]
Here’s the first, second and third week of Rose Watch in case you missed it.
Welcome again to another exciting week of ABC’s The Bachelor. Morale is low at Rose Watch HQ as each episode brings us closer and closer to stopping this column — not because we don’t love you, but because this show keeps finding newer ways to be gross, dramatic and overall just terrible TV.
But because we made a pact to see this show through, we keep moving to week four. Like all great things in life, the destination isn’t as good as the journey. Maybe we’ll learn something about ourselves along the way. Probably not.
This episode was a rough one, guys. Not a whole lot of memorable things happened, besides Corinne being Corinne and some dates, I guess. Once again, we were treated to another climatic ending, which has become much less climactic, considering it’s happened the last two episodes.
This show has a terrible habit of editing for dramatic effect. A confrontation between two girls can be edited to look like they both are about to murder each other. Anyone who’s watched this show for more than, I don’t know, two episodes, would know that 90% of the conflicts are never as bad as they seem.
This week, the girls and Nick went to his hometown of beautiful Milwaukee, Wisconsin; hijinks ensued:
THE DATES
- DANIELLE L’s DATE
The less superior Danielle finally got her solo date this week after she “won” last week’s group date with the Backstreet Boys. Since they were in Nick’s hometown, he took Danielle around places from his childhood, including a run-in with one of Nick’s exes. Like most of this show, it was unbearably awkward.
- FARM DATE
They went to a farm. They milked a cow. They shoveled poop. Corinne didn’t wanna do it. Everyone got mad. The end.
- RAVEN DATE
The time has come for everyone’s favorite Arkansan: Raven — to finally get a solo date. I was pretty cynical about the idea, but after the whole thing unfolded, it ended up being one of the best dates of the season and earned Raven the top spot in this week’s power rankings.
It’s time once again for the BACHELOR POWER RANKINGS where we can rank each contestant. To rank high on our list, you have to be a mix of entertaining, funny, genuine and you have to actually seem like you might have a chance at winning Nick’s love. We’re only down to 15 women, but we’ll sitll only be fleshing out the top ten.
POWER RANKINGS
#1. RAVEN (#12 LAST WEEK)
Raven went straight to the top of our power rankings because of her one on one date this week. Raven met Nick’s parents and youngest sister, Bella. Let me just say, I hated Raven up until this date, but after this date, she has become my favorite. Raven revealed in her last relationship she was cheated on, and when she caught her boyfriend, she beat him on the head with a shoe. I’m not saying violence is ever the answer, but I was not expecting that from a sweet little farm girl from Arkansas.
#2. DANIELLE L. ( #5 LAST WEEK)
Personally, I don’t like Danielle L. She seems unintelligent, and her laugh makes me nauseous. Even though her and Nick went on a one on one date this week, I still can’t remember what happened. Danielle L. is just plain boring, and I don’t see her relationship with Nick going anywhere.
#3. VANESSA (#3 LAST WEEK)
I love Vanessa because she’s not afraid to speak her mind. She’s confident and comfortable enough to tell Nick she questions his intentions. She explains that Nick seems to approve of Corrine’s actions which makes her question his intentions. She has a point.
#4. CORINNE (#1 LAST WEEK)
There’s nothing I can say about Corinne that I haven’t already said. So instead, here are three 100% real Corinne quotes from this season with no context:
“Taylor is like fake and nasty, so tonight I’m going to go punch her in the face.”
“Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps.”
“I respect you for shoveling the poopy. I do. I really, really do. It takes a lot of courage and a really blind sense of smell to shovel that poopy. But I had a really serious hand situation, and I just couldn’t shovel that poop.”
#5. DANIELLE M. (#3 LAST WEEK)
Danielle M is still the best, but we really haven’t seen much of her since week two. I’m too stubborn to remove her from the top five, so she sits at number five.
#6. KRISTINA (#15 LAST WEEK)
Kristina hasn’t been shown much until this point. She received Nick’s attention and was granted the highly coveted group date rose.
#7. RACHEL (#4 LAST WEEK)-
The same thing I said for Danielle M. goes for Rachel. It seems like she’s rarely been seen since week one, but she still seems to have some sort of connection with Nick. Expect Rachel to get a one-on-one date within the next two weeks.
#8. ALEXIS (#6 LAST WEEK)-
Alexis isn’t on very much, but when she’s on, she seems like a really funny and genuine person. Hopefully, she’ll get a one-on-one date soon.
#9. SARAH (#7 LAST WEEK)-
I don’t know if Sarah is actually going to win, but I love her personality. She tries to avoid conflict with Corrine which is good. Sarah hasn’t been on a one on one date yet, but hopefully that’s in the cards next week.
#10.TAYLOR (#3 LAST WEEK)
Taylor seemed to be one of the only people willing to start a conflict with Corinne, and now it looks like she’ll be getting punched in the face next week. As I mentioned earlier, the editors will make a small conflict look like World War III, so don’t expect any face punching just yet.
#11. JASMINE (#10 LAST WEEK
#12. ASTRID (#10 LAST WEEK)
#13. WHITNEY (#13 LAST WEEK)
#14. JAIMI (#13 LAST WEEK)
#15. JOSEPHINE (UNRANKED LAST WEEK)
Will Nick ever become interesting? Will they keep ending every episode on a cliffhanger? Why do we keep watching this show? Find out next week on ROSE WATCH.
Watch The Bachelor on ABC every monday at 8/7c.
