Photo by Photo by Megan Bell

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wasn’t supposed to be this far behind everyone else. I was supposed to have everything figured out by now. But I don’t.

And I’m running out of time.

They teach us in middle school and high school to have our life planned out, so we know what to do when each new school year comes around. They put us on these different programs like STEM to make sure we know what to do.

But does it help at all?

I took AVID classes, I planned each year out, I organized my life and I felt ready for the future, but somehow every day has become a countdown for me, a countdown to make my admission decision May 1.  

And I’m running out of time.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wasn’t supposed to be that kid who didn’t know what to do with their life. I wasn’t supposed to be this confused. Don’t get me wrong, I applied places, maybe not enough, but I applied. I had my heart set on one particular college, and I got my hopes up. I felt like I was going to get in – no problem for me, right? Well, I got accepted, in a way, but not full admission – it would require me to pick a major and stick with it.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

It was supposed to be easy. I was going to get accepted, get my roommate, get a dorm, decorate it and be happy with my decision. But my whole plan was crumbling before my eyes. I wasted five months on waiting. Five months of thinking myself onto the campus, but none of it was going to happen. I was so caught up on one place, I hardly had time to consider my other options.

And I’m running out of time.

In previous years, I felt like people who took gap years were really risking the chance of not having enough motivation to go back to school, so I didn’t want to be like them. But I found myself wanting one for myself just to figure out everything – what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go or just who I wanted to be.

I just don’t know anymore.

But I have to face it. I can’t keep running away from the idea. I’m surrounded by people who are going to the places they wanted, they have their roommates and they have their housing down. I just can’t stop thinking … about everything.

“What am I going to major in?”

“Is this where I’m supposed to be?”

“Will I fit in?”

“What am I even good at?”

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I cringe every time someone asks me about my plans for next year. At this point, I just don’t know. I’m supposed to be more prepared than this.

And I’m running out of time.

I’m still searching for “my plan.” But through this whole experience, I’ve realized once you enter the real world, not everything goes according to plan. You can’t control everything, and sometimes what you want isn’t what’s best for you – maybe that’s the case for me.

So in this journey of figuring out who I want to be and where I want to go, I’ve asked myself some pretty big questions. What do I absolutely love in life? What are my biggest achievements so far in life? What excites me? What’s my dream job, money aside? What do I do in my free time?

Maybe I’ll be OK.

After talking to my mom, I realized it’s not really typical for a student to go to a university for four straight years. In a study by National Student Clearinghouse Research Center, a total of 46 percent of four-year graduates attended a two-year college prior, and in the fall of 2014, 42 percent of all undergraduate students attended community college to save money for basic courses. Maybe that’s for me. Who knows?

But what if I’m where I’m supposed to be? What if I’m going to meet some of the most important people in my life at this other college I didn’t have my heart set on. Maybe I’ll learn something far more valuable where I’m going. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll stay where I’m going.

Maybe I’m not running out of time. Maybe I’m where I belong — right here, in the mix of it all.