Well, that was a fun offseason.
Where else do you see stories of betrayal, backstabbing, rising stardom, disappointment and tragedy? Not in the NFL offseason. Certainly not the MLB offseason.
Between Kyrie Irving leaving the team that he won three straight Eastern Conference titles with, Kevin Durant getting busted for defending himself on Twitter, Lonzo Ball and his family taking the basketball media world (and the entertainment media overall) by storm, the Oklahoma City Thunder quickly becoming a super team, the Houston Rockets quietly becoming even more of a super team, the Eastern Conference losing all of its star players to the West and the Mavericks doing absolutely nothing for the __’th year in a row, the NBA feels like it hasn’t truly left us despite the season ending in June.
With all this basketball action, how are you, the everyday basketball fan, supposed to keep up with all of these teams? Luckily, I’ve divided the NBA into four categories: ‘The Garbage Fires’ for teams that won’t even be fun to watch despite being bad, ‘The League Pass Teams’ for teams that are fun to keep up with and watch on NBA League Pass even though they won’t make any noise in the playoffs, ‘The Pretenders’ for teams that think they have a chance at a championship and ‘The Contenders’ for teams who will actually play for a ring.
The most important statistic is the ‘Fun Rating’ which determines how much fun you’ll have while watching the team.
THE GARBAGE FIRES
New York Knicks
Unless you’re a huge Kristaps Porzingis fan (because who isn’t?), the New York Knicks have absolutely no redeeming values, and unless your favorite team is playing the Knicks, avoid them at all costs.
Fun Rating: Burying the family dog in the backyard
Chicago Bulls
After Jimmy Butler left for Minnesota and Dwyane Wade left for Cleveland to meet up with Lebron, the rotting corpse of a Chicago Bulls team now has to manage with Robin Lopez, Zach LaVine and a young Denzel Valentine.
Fun Rating: Watching Michael Jordan play baseball
Atlanta Hawks
It’s kind of insane how every good player on the Atlanta Hawks last year is gone. The Hawks were a genuinely fun team to watch last year. This year? Bye Dwight Howard. See ya, Kyle Korver. Adios Paul Millsap. Sayonara Thabo Sefolosha. There are more players I could name, but I can’t think of any more ways to say goodbye. Let’s just say the tank is strong with the Atlanta Hawks this year.
Fun Rating: Dwight Howard’s Lakers season
Brooklyn Nets
Can you name a Brooklyn Nets player? Me neither
Fun Rating: The front lobby of a retirement home
Phoenix Suns
Devin Booker’s kind of good. The only problem is he has no one else really around him other than a Brandon Knight or an aging Tyson Chandler. The Suns could make a little bit of noise, but playing in the Western Conference already means they’re already at a disadvantage playing teams like Golden State and San Antonio every night.
Fun Rating: Waving at someone when they’re actually trying to wave at the person behind you
THE LEAGUE PASS TEAMS
Philadelphia 76ers
Will THIS be the year The Process’ pays off? After getting paid a pretty hefty contract, Joel Embiid could really be looking like a star. Ben Simmons, the first pick in the 2016 NBA Draft, might finally be the Lebron heir people were hailing him as after college. Markelle Fultz, the first pick in this year’s draft, could potentially be a star guard. Will all of these players be healthy at the same time? If previous years are any indication, the answer is a resounding no.
Fun Rating: When Texas gets a cold front and the weather’s cool for a few days before going back to being really hot.
Los Angeles Lakers
Let’s be honest here. There’s one player we all wanna see, and it’s Lonzo Ball. The UCLA guard could not only be a once-in-a-generation talent but give us years of entertainment with his overbearing and headline-making father Lavar. Other than ‘Zo, the Lakers will be a surefire dumpster fire, but when Lebron and his friends all link up in LA next year for one final ride, we’ll have a real contender.
Fun Rating: When you feel like you failed a test but you ended up with an 80, which is fine but you’re still kind of mad at yourself
Portland Trail Blazers
If you looked up ‘League Pass Team’ in the dictionary, you’d see a picture of the Portland Trail Blazers. Damian Lillard (the league’s best rapper, sorry Lonzo) and CJ McCollum will continue to tear up the league every night, then promptly get swept in the first round of the playoffs by a team like Golden State. Last year, the team was sixth in the league in three-point percentage (37.5%) and ninth in field goals (39.5). The team knows how to score, but this season will depend on how well they can defend their opponents, especially playing in the west
Fun Rating: Watching Damian Lillard’s playoff game-winning shot on a loop
Milwaukee Bucks
Giannis Antetokounmpo. Giannis Antetokounmpo. Giannis Antetokounmpo? Giannis Antetokounmpo.
Fun Rating: Giannis Antetokounmpo
Los Angeles Clippers
With Chris Paul being traded to the Houston Rockets, it’s down to Blake Griffin and Deandre Jordan to bring the Clippers to glory. Unfortunately, it’s gonna take a miracle if LA wants to contend with the rest of the Western Conference. As long as Blake Griffin is Blake Griffin, the Clippers will always be fun to watch.
Fun Rating: When you pour cereal in the bowl without checking that you have milk and you don’t have any milk
THE PRETENDERS
Boston Celtics
The Celtics may have added Kyrie Irving and Gordon Hayward, but Kyrie still hasn’t really proven himself as a superstar without Lebron James, and I don’t think Hayward will be the huge difference-maker the team is paying him to be. Losing Isaiah Thomas and Jae Crowder to Cleveland makes their job in the conference even more difficult. Nevertheless, the Celtics are still a force to be reckoned with.
Fun Rating: Finding a five dollar bill in your jacket pocket that you stored for the winter
Oklahoma City Thunder
Russell Westbrook. Paul George. Carmelo Anthony. In a long history of “Big Threes” in the NBA, this trio could be one of the best on paper. Westbrook had an astounding season last year with 42 triple-doubles and lead the league in points per game and field goals. Paul George and Melo now don’t have to worry about carrying an entire team by themselves. As far as the supporting cast goes, the Thunder are a little lacking outside of Steven Adams (who is only 24 years old!!!!!) but expect OKC to contend for at least a top-five spot in the West.
Fun Rating: Seeing a Thunder game is probably the most exciting thing to do in Oklahoma now
Washington Wizards
John Wall will forever be one of the most underrated players in the NBA. The 2016-17 lineup of Otto Porter – Bradley Beal – Marcin Gortat – John Wall – Markieff Morris has not been touched for this season, and the chemistry and experience of the Wizards will only get better. Washington might play the spoiler to someone big in the playoffs, and don’t be surprised if they’re major buyers come-trade deadline.
Fun Rating: The Washington Wizards mascot
THE CONTENDERS
San Antonio Spurs
The Spurs will perpetually be a contender for as long as Gregg Popovich is alive and dodging interviews. Kawhi Leonard has been a top three player in MVP voting the last two seasons while winning back-to-back Defensive Player of the Year awards in 2014-15 and 2015-16. If you’re currently in high school, you have yet to see the Spurs miss the playoffs since you’ve been alive. Chances are, that streak will last until your children are in high school.
Fun Rating: Gregg Popovich smiling
Houston Rockets
With the addition of Chris Paul to help out James Harden, Houston has a huge chance to contend in the west. The Rockets were only behind the Warriors in total points per game(115.3) and led the league in three-pointers (14.4). It’s unclear if the team wants to pursue keeping Chris Paul after this season, so if they want a shot at a championship, THIS is the year. If you’re a Warriors hater, Houston is the best chance to play spoiler to Golden State’s fourth straight NBA Finals appearance.
Fun Rating: Watching the Houston Astros blow out the Yankees in the playoffs (hopefully)
Cleveland Cavaliers
If you told someone a few years ago that the Cavaliers would end up with Lebron James, Kevin Love, Derrick Rose, Dwyane Wade and JR Smith on one team, they would probably think you’re crazy. This is the very real situation the Cavs are in. Their team is so stacked, every player on their bench could probably start for 95% of NBA teams. Let’s not pretend that any other team from the east could make it to the Finals. Cleveland is about as safe of a pick as you could make.
Fun Rating: Watching Dwyane Wade Alley Ooping to Lebron compilations on Youtube
Golden State Warriors
Surprise surprise. The best team in the west for the fourth year in a row will be the Golden State Warriors. Steph Curry will go down as an all-time great, Draymond Green is fresh off an incredible season that was capped with a DPOY Award, Klay Thompson can still change a game in a matter of moments and Zaza Pachulia and Andre Iguodala both are physical players who provide great support. Oh yeah, and they also have Kevin Durant. Barring injury, the Warriors are still practically unstoppable.
Fun Rating: Reading Kevin Durant’s old tweets
NBA FINALS PREDICTION
CLEVELAND CAVALIERS (4-2) GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS
Lebron and the gang will prove to be too much to handle, as an injury-laced Warriors team still fight to push ‘Believeland’ to game six. Maybe in 2019, the two teams will meet for a fifth time to break the tie.
Fun Rating: Yes
