Black Friday Survival Guide


Jordyn Folsom, Staff Writer

Black Friday- the chaotic day Americans depend on for deals. Mass crowds flock to the stores, moms pull hair over Barbie dolls and the injured leave in ambulances. To survive this day, people need to prioritize their safety.

Pepper Spray
Spicy-hot spray in a convenient can? Yes please. Pepper spray fits in pockets, purses, clutches and more. If a psycho pushes you aside to reach that extra cheap baby doll, reach into your back pocket and spray them down. You may face a lawsuit, but at least you will go home with the doll.

A Sock of Butter
Be like Sam Puckett and carry around a sock of cold butter. Find an old tube sock, put a couple sticks of butter inside then swing it like a nunchuck. You will not be trampled by the crowd, and you can pretend you are a ninja.

Shop Online
Wait until Cyber Monday. No crowds, no human interaction, no injuries.

A Great Set of Lungs
If you can scream, someone who can save you will find you. Hopefully. People get pretty surprised when someone yells in their ear, so you only need a good set of lungs to hit some high notes.

Most people respect pregnant women. Find a fake baby bump and go crazy. People will hold doors for you. You could even complain that your feet hurt and someone could let you cut in front of them at checkout.

Hire a Bodyguard
Use the money you plan to save to hire a big, scary guy. When you pick him out, make sure he’s tall, broad and looks like he could throw a car. If you can find a Hulk look-alike that is even better. This may sound extra, but at least no one will come within a five foot radius of you.