My past has followed me through all four years of high school. A version of myself I have tried to run away from, but nobody else had let go of. One day I realized I could not run from it. This ghost of my past shows up on my snapchat memories and my time hop everyday to remind me of what was. Her thick black eyeliner, layered bangs, acid-wash black skinny jeans and leather jacket bring me back to a time I would rather forget. I now call her my alter-ego.
Emo Jazmine.
She ran her own Tumblr page about how much her life sucked. She thought she was quirky and different and “not like other girls” because she was so edgy. She listened to Mayday Parade, Sleeping With Sirens and My Chemical Romance. She wrote poems (less like Walt Whitman and more like Schmidt from 21 Jump Street). She had band posters in her room and wrote 5 Seconds of Summer fan-fiction. She wrote a novel on Wattpad that was dark and messed up and very bad, but she thought it would be the next American classic (check it out here, you’re welcome). She was easily offended, and freshman year was full of her negativity and complaints. She encompasses everything I have come to hate about myself.
Now I center most of my self-deprecating jokes around that angsty past. I began to embrace my past rather than let it embarrass me. In truth, I highly value that time in my life because it taught me how to healthily deal with emotions and mental illness. Humor became the way I was able to cope with my feelings. I figured out that through it I could talk about my emotions without giving “five feeling words” because doing that makes me want to die (shoutout to my therapist Bryan). I started to make jokes about traumatic experience as a way to process and cope because it has never been easy for me to talk about how I’m feeling in a serious way. I never want to look like I’m asking for attention or sympathy. I never want to be too vulnerable. I never want to look weak. I began making jokes about hating myself and wanting to die because it is easier than actually talking about my depression and anxiety.
I came out of my sadness and made the choice to embrace life with all its quirks. Now, I won’t lie, I still have Emo Jazmine moments from time to time. When I enter into my “sad girl hours” I listen to emo-rap and have the urge to write poems full of my emotions. But I can come out of the now on my own and not let myself wallow in self-pity.
I hate who I am when I’m sad. I feel like I’m only making the lives of those around me harder. So instead I make jokes. I’m the funny friend. I’m the person who makes other people laugh at the expense of myself. I’ve built my identity on it. It is the only thing I truly love about myself.
I have come a long way since the days of Emo Jazmine. I have learned how to love who I am and I have become Twitter famous with a viral tweet, so life (and my tweets) have just gotten better and better since those days. I hope to continue to grow into a better (more emotionally stable) person who looks back on who I am and laughs. Shoutout to future Jazmine who will look back on who I am now and thank God she is a new person.
