“You’re supposed to be the smart one.” My parents’ favorite phrase when I make a mistake. My biggest fear–failure. I am so scared to fail because my entire life I’ve been expected to maintain consistent perfection, and I feel pressure to never crack under stress or make a mistake.

I am the oldest of three girls, and while I’m expected to get high A’s at school, my sisters become celebrated when they achieve A/B honor roll. My parents access my grades on Skyward every day, and text me when I have anything lower than a 95. When I explain to them that I know what I need to fix or that I’m working with my teacher to bring it up, I am told “you’re better than this.” 

My sisters come home every day and put off their homework while they play Roblox, all with no consequences. I get in trouble for coming home and scrolling through Instagram or reading, even when I don’t have any homework to do. My sisters have room to fail with no external pressure from our parents, and I attract all of the pressure.

The stress and anxiety within me as I fight the battle of failure constantly overwhelm my brain. Failure teaches lessons and provides growing opportunities for our brains, but I’ve been taught that I can not fail. I don’t take risks because of the gnawing feelings of rejection and failure. Before I take any actions in my life, I think through the risk factors and the consequences. I think about taking opportunities until they’re all I can think about, and by that point, I’m usually too late. I play the game of life by steering myself far away from the risky roads.

However, high school has taught me that failure can teach me because I have the safety net of my friends and family, and they will help me through anything. Failing to turn in my homework on time taught me the importance of prioritizing and communicating as well as setting personal goals. Taking a step out of my own head taught me to enjoy the present and failure allows me to grow from personal experiences. 

In English, my teacher started the second semester with an assignment of setting goals for ourselves after we read an article about the importance of failure. This year I plan to allow myself to fail and indulge in more experiences that will provide room for me to fail.