I shouldn’t be awake. It’s 4:30 in the morning; so early that one could get away with calling it late. I roll out of bed I get dressed. I walk over to my parents’ room. I tell them that I’m leaving. They ask me if I’m sure that I don’t want them to come with me. I tell them no; this is something I need to do by myself. I’m a man now.

My dad tells to be careful around big crowds, he tells me to watch out for thieves. He actually uses that word; thieves. I tell him that I’ll be careful. I say goodbye to my parents. I walk out of the house and get into my car. I begin driving. The roads are empty. Everyone with common sense is asleep in their homes, where it’s safe. Where I’m going, I won’t be safe. Where I’m going, there will be no common sense. Where I’m going, chaos will reign. I’m going shopping.

Black Friday, it sounds so ominous. You would think a day where you can buy computers and pants for low prices would have a more cheerful name. Black Friday sounds like what villagers would name a day where all of the children were whisked away by bandits, or killed by disease. Black Friday….

I’m not special. The reason I’m waking up so early is no different than why anyone else is. I want to buy lots of things for prices significantly lower than usual. My main destinations are Target and Best Buy. I want to buy each member of my family (including me) a CD for Christmas. Maybe a DVD or two, depending on the selection.

I pull into the Target parking lot. I begin walking toward the store. A Target employee bundled up in clothing is waiting outside of the right-hand entrance. She informs me and two middle-aged women that we can’t go into the store through this side.

“They want you to use the other doors,” she tells us.

It makes sense. If you have an excess of enemy forces coming your way, it’s a good strategy to cut off all entrances to your base save for one. Keeps them from surrounding you. The women and I trek to the left-hand entrance. A long line of red shopping carts have been flipped over and lined up to make a makeshift pathway; velvet rope if you will. I’ve decided that in the event of a zombie invasion, the mangers at the Target in Mansfield will have their stuff together. The employees keeping watch outside looks irritable, nervous and cold. They know what awaits them. They’ve heard the stories.

It is here that I finally get a full look at the Line. At first, I think I’m looking at both the lines for Target and Home Depot, but upon closer inspection, I see that the Line is just that; one Line. It starts at the locked doors of Target, goes all the way around a deep alley and then back up to the parking lot of Target. I can’t even see the people in the middle section of the Line. Remembering my dad’s advice about thieves, I decide to wait outside the line. Looking at the Line, I worry that when it’s my turn to enter the store, all of the things I want to buy will be gone. Then, I look at the sorts of people in line- middle aged white woman armed with purple thermoses of coffee- and conclude that the odds of them wanting to purchase the Monsters of Folk album are slim.

After several minutes in Line, I decide that waiting outside of the Line is counter-productive and even a little pathetic. I walk back to my car and drive to Best Buy.

Why I thought that the line outside of Best Buy would be better, I know not. I was new at this. I was a fool. Suffice to say that I was wrong and I decided to drive back to Target and take my place in the Line.

I watched Fight Club the night before and as I waited in line I couldn’t help but think about how Tyler Durden lamented that we have allowed our possessions to possess us. Then I remember that Tyler Durden was a bit of a tool. 6:00 rolls into existence and I enter the store. We enter the store. What awaits me inside is angry, loud and confusing.

I see women plucking DVDs from their shelves like apples, giving little concern to what movie it is.

“Did we see Hellboy II?” one asks her husband.

“I don’t know, maybe.” He replies

“Oh well, we’ll get it. It’s seven dollars. What about Seven Pounds?
I have no such luck. After waiting in Line in the cold, I am severely disappointed with the sales. Everything I wanted to buy for my family was at full sales price. I look around and see a massive line forming towards the store’s sole checkout desk. People holding giant cardboard boxes containing televisions and computers; shopping carts filled with stacks of DVDs and CDs.  Everything is noisy. Everything is messy. I decide to go to Best Buy.

Best Buy, compared to Target, is a shopping utopia. The employees are weary, but cheerful. The customers are only kind of crazy, and the sales are actually special. I managed to buy gifts for my whole family without even spending all of my money. I walk out of the store, accomplished and pleased.

I felt lucky, yet a little disappointed. I went out that morning expecting to witness some of the chaos and violence you always hear about on the news. What I experienced was a tad headache-inducing, but nothing horrifying. No one was strangled or trampled. I suppose we’ll have a merry Christmas after all.