As the first semester of my senior year comes to an end, I have come to a recent realization: Growing up, for lack of a better word, sucks.

I never understood why young children and teens were always in such a rush to become adults. The only thoughts, or better yet memories, racing back and forth through my mind have been solely based on how much I miss my childhood. Life was so simple at the time. I was athletic and a star student making straight A’s. I constantly participated in countless school events. I was popular among all the teachers and students. I was ignorant, unaware of all the chaos, disease, politics and hatred circling the world. I was living in pure bliss.

Every now and then I’ll look at my peers or simply listen in on their conversations. I hear about how much they love their boyfriends/girlfriends, how bad they can’t wait to move out of their parent’s house and live the college life. They already have their children’s names (and preferred gender) picked out along with the details of their wedding day. While everyone lives in the future, I still seem to be stuck in the past.

But can you blame me? As far as I know, I’m not ready to take on the responsibilities of an adult. I’m not ready to pay bills or buy my own groceries. I’m not willing to do my own laundry, take care of little ones or have a real career. At least not yet. The more I think of all the stresses that go hand in hand with adulthood, the more I feel like curling into the fetal position and freezing time.

Sure, there are plenty of benefits that go along with growing up. Independence, a driver’s license and the ability to make personal and better decisions. Our pool of job choices expand and we’re given more privileges. But regardless of all the freedom we gain as we get older, the more room we have to mess up our lives all together. So for the most part, I continue to see the cons outweighing the pros.

I just can’t see how my peers already have their whole life mapped out, or at least an idea on how they prefer their future to be. Despite being 18 and legally an adult, I still feel I’m at age of utter confusion and ambivalence. I’m at a loss.