I would definitely say that pitiful expression applies to me. I can’t exactly pinpoint the reasons accountable for all the strange revelations I’ve been having lately. It seems as though the closer I get to graduation, the more I feel like I’m experiencing an intense midlife crisis. Yes, I am completely aware of how ridiculous I sound, but I am almost convinced I’m enduring half the symptoms that accompany a midlife crisis. Depression, a sense of lost youth, constant self-doubt, increased alone time, etc. I’m losing my mind and most certainty, all at the tender age of 18.

As far as I know, I have reached a point in my high school career of pure reflection, and that dreadful senior memory book carries a good portion of responsibility for my contemplation. Most seniors have or will have a section in their book dedicated to friends. Me on the other hand, I have been putting that section off for the whole school year. A lack of mementos and photos with my pals was the initial reasoning for my procrastination. Now there’s just a lack of friends.

This relates back to the infamous line of “it’s not you, it’s me.” I look back on all the friendships I have had throughout high school, and realized I no longer associate myself with less than half, if not all, the people I once called “friends.” After evaluating the reasons why, I figured the primary cause links back to me.

I tend to push people away and create barriers whether I choose to or not. In most cases, I’m satisfied for detaching myself from them. I find life to be easier that way even though I’m left feeling an occasional hint of loneliness and boredom. Though seclusion isn’t exactly an ideal lifestyle for the majority of teens, it’s certainly a much less complicated one. The amount of meaningless drama has been eliminated all together, and I no longer have to worry about friends whose main principles revolved around tasteless partying, drugs, sex and other aspects I do not care for.

I do not intend to keep my life stuck in neutral, and carry on with the same routine of school, work and sleep. I’ll drive myself to eventual madness if I refuse to allow any room for new opportunities and experimentation. But for right now, I’d rather park it and play it safe in my isolation.