75 Ways to Defend Yourself From A Clown Attack

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Staff

With an increasing number of clown scares popping up around the US, TheRiderOnline Staff decided to compile this list in order help save your life in case of a clown-related emergency.

  1. Fight him head on
  2. Buddy system
  3. Get tacos together
  4. Dress like a cop
  5. Be aware of your surroundings at all times
  6. Beg for mercy
  7. Try not to fall down a storm drain in the midst of your terror
  8. Pick up a few classes in Karate or Jiu Jitsu
  9. Bring your own mask to blend in
  10. Throw down a banana peel
  11. Dress as a clown to confuse them
  12. Pepper spray: about $11 at Academy
  13. Try to bond over your shared love for the movie “It”
  14. Play Iggy Azalea
  15. Initiate a glorious rap battle
  16. Always park in well lit areas
  17. Run for your life
  18. Pray
  19. Propose to them, they might say yes!
  20. Run them over with your car at exactly 60.98 MPH
  21. Rapidly throw pies at them with impressive force
  22. Talk to them about your love life (or lack thereof)
  23. Tell them a snake might be close by
  24. Use AP style incorrectly
  25. Have a deep, thought provoking conversation about why they’re doing this…. Then hit him in the face.
  26. Offer to pay for their therapy
  27. Eat pie with them
  28. Ask if they’ve heard the Good News
  29. Tell them they are not being the person Mr. Rogers knew they could be
  30. Make them a Spotify playlist
  31. Mourn over Harambe together
  32. Give them a warm hug and buy them a donut at Twisty Donut
  33. Persuade them into watching Bambi with you
  34. Persuade them that you are Bambi and that you’ve been watching them
  35. Tell them YOU are their father.
  36. Talk to them about how inspirational Bill Nye the Science Guy is.
  37. Tell them to stop clowning around
  38. Make them feel self-conscious about their life choices
  39. Call them bad names
  40. Tell  them to learn about the REAL clowns
  41. Ask them if they would like to experience the pure, wholesome aesthetic of the Sweet’N Low website
  42. Show them wholesome memes
  43. Call 911
  44. Try to stay calm and think rationally
  45. Ask yourself, what would John Cena do?
  46. If you see it from afar, ask an adult to check it out and call 911
  47. Initiate your special battle call
  48. Pull flowers from your sleeve and present it to the clown as a gift/peace offering
  49. Hire a bodyguard
  50. Convince them to juggle by throwing balls at them
  51. Fit them into a tiny car
  52. Practice amplifying your screams
  53. Trip them
  54. Hope that they trip over their comically large shoes
  55. Ask them about their political stance and the upcoming election
  56. Keep a weapon, such as a taser, at the ready at all times
  57. Ask them how to make balloon animals
  58. Boop their nose
  59. Serenade them with sweet music
  60. Pull down their knee socks and make a run for it
  61. Start crying (about Harambe’s tragic and untimely death) and hope for sympathy
  62. Tell them to follow TheRiderOnline on Twitter and Instagram
  63. Ask them for their opinion on declining Bee population
  64. Tell them you are the Head Clown, this will confuse them
  65. Summon anything to come help you
  66. Begin singing the National Anthem as you slowly back away. They have no choice but to pause in respect for our nation.
  67. Begin performing Gangnam Style
  68. Impersonate Elvis
  69. Discuss your favorite conspiracy theories
  70. Show them a Jacob Sartorius video
  71. Clap wildly and hope for the best
  72. Ask them to take a selfie with you
  73. Yell “Stranger Danger”
  74. Invite them to the circus
  75. Calm them with Bob Ross videos

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