Why Texas is the Best Place to Live

Luke Bellinger, Staff Writer

I love living in Texas. From the unpredictable weather, to the random ice storm, or weeks of triple-digit heat in the summer, Texas really provides an escape to anybody who enjoys sitting in their own sweat in the extremely hot, yet also humid and overcast climate. Summer is here!..or at least it will be after the cold rain subsides, so here is a list of things to do in Texas during the summer.

Stay in your house.
because it is better to be confined in an air-conditioned prison than be forced to stand outside. Sadly, Texas prisons don’t have air-conditioning, resulting in countless deaths from heat stroke and the utter mismanagement of our correctional system. Be grateful for your air-conditioned luxury—it can be taken away at any time.

Stand outside.
For whatever reason, some “old” people enjoy a place called “outside,” where the bugs are as abundant as the crabgrass, and walking around barefoot will most certainly lead to lyme disease, hookworm, or many cuts on the soles of your feet from the burning asphalt that even fijian warriors could not walk on. As you try to return to your comfortable prison cell, you will burn your hand on the thousand-degree doorknob, thereby forcing you to clench the spherical brand through your own misery.

I love when mosquitos eat my blood.
and give me Zika. Never fear! No matter how many you swat, or kill in those portable purple taser boxes, there will always be an infinite supply from your local pond or bucket of stagnant water to keep you feeling refreshed after being covered head-to-toe in itchy bumps. One of the 28 hells in Hinduism is called Andhakupa, where a person is constantly tormented by swarms of insects, making it impossible to stay in one place, forcing the subject to constantly run around, trying—and inevitably failing—to escape the mosquitos. Sounds like Katherine Rose Park.

Go swimming!
Have you ever been to Bad Königshofen waterpark in Arlington, Texas? Imagine 400-or-so South Arlington taxpayers crowding into a poorly run municipal facility, waiting hours on the hot cement to climb one the two waterslides, or otherwise crowding into that one pool which is practically a communal bathtub for those foolish enough to pay actual money to bathe in the King’s Bath. You will find no respite in neighboring Stovall Park, where the playgrounds are as crowded as that one terrace filled with hornets. Maybe just walk to that house with the llamas and look at the llamas.

Well, generic residents of Mansfield, Arlington, and Rendon, the time has come to utilize the inexplicably large DFW airport and vacate the decrepit hovels that the Texan government might consider “tourist attractions”. In considering the non-offensive middle-american destinations near the metroplex, some may consider the slightly more temperate climates of Fayetteville, Arkansas or Ardmore, Oklahoma, however, the only place where you could go to escape the all-encompassing heat, and rapidly deteriorating human rights, of Texas…is Canada.