AP Government. Third Block.  The room buzzes with energy – jokes about the rapper Dax, random brainrotted conversations and the kind of laughter that echoes long after class ends. My two closest friends sit beside me and for 90 minutes, it feels like I belong somewhere. We even have a group chat, just us three. 

But when the D-lunch bell rings, the moment cracks. They leave – early release, other plans, who knows? I walk to the library. Alone. Not because I want to, just because no one waits for me.

I’m the floater friend. 

I mean I don’t not know people. I could walk into the cafeteria, pick a table and recognize faces, maybe join in on a conversation and make a few jokes. But I don’t. I’m not close to them like that – just that weird space between “known” and “close.” Just people who say “Hi” in the halls.  

I don’t really know how I became the floater friend. I just know people – from classes, clubs and even random group projects that ended months ago. But we can still start a conversation in the halls, we get along. Sometimes I even get close to people for a while. But then things fade. People move on. Schedules change. Someone stops showing up to meetings. Then we just wave in the halls.

Never dramatic or anything. But like throwing spaghetti at the wall – it doesn’t really stick.

Being the floater friend comes with no one ever inviting me to their table and getting picked last in group activities. I remember in my English class, my teacher wanted us to do group work in a group of three or four. Everyone got in a group, I sat by myself

But it still sucks. At the beginning of the year I decided, for the first time in my life, I would go to football games. Senior year, my last year to go to these games anyway. But after two games, I realized I just couldn’t do it. Seeing the cheerleaders take pictures with each other, pictures they would cherish forever, forever framed on Instagram with tons of affirming comments. Then getting posted weeks later on “Tag your for lifers,” knowing I would never experience something like that. I just couldn’t take it. 

So I’ve just decided, what the heck? I’m a senior already, I don’t feel like it’s worth it to make friends like that. I only have nine months until I pack up, go to Kansas and start college. 

But I have a dream, oh boy I have a dream.

I’m going to college in Kansas after all, nobody will know me, a fresh start. I’m going to make myself popular. I’m going to join the clubs, become the leader, this spunky Elle Woods vision I’ve got for myself. I’m going to join dance, start dressing cute – I know my style gets compliments from people, but it’s better to dress normally. I’m going to become the cheerleader girl. I have a vision, and no matter what it takes I’m going to make it work.

I’ll make myself popular.

Well, at least try, I know it comes naturally, but I’ll reinvent my personality too. Whatever it takes. I know this probably won’t get me the best results. “Just love yourself,” “Try confidence,” I’m tired of it. I’m green with envy, I know I shouldn’t have this feeling, but honestly I feel like Pearl.“I’m a star!” Pearl. I’m gonna do what it takes, no matter what happens, to become a star. 

I just need to wait these last few months out, but I’ll get better. For myself.